Huh? This is really Roarie?

Monday, July 13, 2009

Weary Lion

I wonder if anyone is still interested in blogging nowadays. Seems like people's interests change rapidly, a bit too rapid for me at my age. Twitter is hot now. I've created a Twitter account but since my first log-in, I haven't bothered to update. Seems too tedious to do so and I rather spend my time on FB then Twitter.

Been going through a period of uncertainty recently. Not in work though, but other matters. I've even done some crazy things.......all in the name of.........But at least I now know the truth about me. No matter how I try to hide, suppress, deny whatever, deep down, I cannot hide the truth. Doesn't matter, there is no need for anyone else to go through what I have been going through. Heck nobody knows anything except me! I will soldier on, like a good man that I am, I will soldier on!

When will there be peace..........when will I be at peace with myself..............the problem lies with me and only me.......... Strangely, I find that if I vent myself by doing the crazy things I have been doing recently, it gives me a bit of peace. Perhaps that is the answer. Nobody else, not even the target needs to know the crazy things I do..........everything is anonymous. It will remain so no matter how it hurts.

Life is full of contradictions. I take this challenge upon me with full knowledge and conviction. I will move on...........at least I hope I will move on. In fact, moving on in work had been the best thing to happen to me, notwithstanding the pay of course. Everything is clearer now. I understand what I need to understand and I know the whys and the hows such that I have stopped questioning the system altogether.

I shall not, because I cannot. I cannot ruin what there is currently, to gain a perfect scenario because there is no perfect scenario. I shall let life choose the course I have to take. To do otherwise would be selfish and silly.

I will live on. I will move on. I will.

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Bored Lion

Been fleeting from one project to another at work. Seems like never ending cycle, before you can see the end of one project, you are pulled into another. Dunno whether I can outlast the pace.

The big shift is confirmed.......we are moving! To a holding site only lah. Will be back in 3 years time, to a better and renovated new office!

Miss all the friends I had. Wish I can turn back time, if only for a while.....

Been observing the cleaning auntie at my workplace. Noticed that she only empty the waste paper basket twice a day. If I happen to 'miss' and leave a paper or two on the floor beside the waste paper basket, she will leave it there until you pick it up and throw it into the basket.......wow.......talk about attitude! And if she is vacuuming the place, you better get up or else she will just vacuum around you! Hahaha!

Just bored....with work, life, food, everything! Wish I am leading a different life now, free of commitments, then I can fulfill my dream of travelling around the world. If only.........forget it.

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

A New Lion

Well, finally saw my doctor. News, as expected, was not good. Shouldn't really be surprised at it. The symptoms were all there, just refused to admit till now.

The only thing to do now is to control my diet, exercise and hope for the best........hope for the best.............what can you do against a sickness with no cure????????

Anyway, its not a death sentence. I will have to remain positive and eat bland food from now onwards. Don't know what is worse, the sickness or the bland food!!!!

My new menu everyday.......
Breakfast : Water and salad
Lunch : Water and salad
Dinner : Water and salad

I'll probably die before I reach 40 with a diet like that!

Pray hard. The question is not "why me" but "why not me?".

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Sick Lion

Haven blog here for a long time. Too stressful I guess. Stressful trying to learn everything and not appear stupid at the same time!

(1) Moved into the new job liao. First few weeks, blurr like octopus. A typical informal meeting within the department will go something like this :
Boss : Hey, people are using 319645. We should blah blah blah
Colleague : Maybe we can blah blah blah so that 319645 will not be used
Worker : So confirm we dun use 319645 ar?
Roarie : .............
And that is just the accounting part. Dun wanna mention the IT conversations......even more blur

But after a month and a half, I more clear now, although still can't remember the account codes!

People here are better, the boss is super, colleagues are nice, perks are good. Heck, you manage your own working time. OT is a misnomer. You decide on your own OT based on your workload. Nobody is going to tell you how many hours you should work but a big consolation is that my boss is usually out by 6.30! So the misguided impression I had of HQ people working real real late is not that true in reality! But having said that, I can feel the competitive atmosphere. People are always on the ball. I'm very sure I have seen the last one of my very good PB this year.....

Been trying to grapple with both IT and Accounting skills at the same time. But I must admit that I have learned much more in my 1.5 months here compared to 12 years in CB. At least I understand the 'whys' now when previously I would be castigating HQ for perceived stupidity. I can also appreciate simple cosmetic changes to the system I am handling now as I know how bloody long a process it is just to even change the name of a stupid button!

(2) On another front, I have learnt to let go of some things. Realised that I can't carry on the way I did or it will explode. Some things are and will always not be fair in this world. Just have to accept the circumstances and move on, whatever the consequences.

(3) Glad that some friends had visited me when they are in the vicinity. Happy that I am not forgotten. Miss the friendly atmosphere in CB.

(4) Lost weight, plenty of weight. Normally losing weight is good, but not if it is a symptom of something wrong with you. Never imagined that I would dread hearing people say "I have Lost Weight"............. Perhaps I am denying and deceiving myself too much. Have noticed some clear cut symptoms but just refuse to confirm it, refuse to take the test..........Will take things 1 step at a time. Hope and pray very hard that it is just a false alarm..............

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Broken Lion

Came in today in a rather foul mood. Didn't even greet anyone on the way to my den. Been thinking of everything that had happened in my life for the past few days....work, friends, colleagues, loved ones.........I know the person that mattered will not read this unless prompted but perhaps that gives me space to vent it all here............hahahah!.......not a chance! what with so many nosy people reading this....!

I'm very tired of everything. I'm tired of the verbal assault thrown at me at work that had continued under the guise of a 'training session'. Anything and everything can trigger an assault it seems. And right in front of my subordinate. Imagine this simple example, one of many during the short 1 hour session.......you forgot to write a report for something.....HQ prompts you six months later........you blame me for not reminding you when you or your deputy are the ones who have to write that report and no one else can.............and worse of all, your deputy forgot to write that report but instead of telling the deputy off, you tell me off.............. and bewildered as I am, I still do not know what hit me.....was it a train or a bus...........think it was a big black bus.......... But I guess I really shouldn't be surprised at these kinds of behaviour anymore.....

The first rule of leadership.......never ever undermine the authority of your managers by reprimanding them in front of their subordinates. Besides leaving behind a manager with very tattered morale, respect is also lost...... And when respect is lost, do not expect any favours as people will only do their job 'to the best of their abilities', nothing more.

I was foolish to smile through the whole session. Perhaps thats my character. I process things at a slower rate. Didn't realise that it felt so bad until I started processing everything after the session. The more reality sinks into me, the more I felt cheated. Anyway, I am counting down the days and I am going to do the unthinkable. Before this new assault came along, I was in a charitable mood. I told myself to work my socks off to make sure my leaving this place will be as less painful as possible. I was going home late practically everyday.

Now............I'm sorry. I've made a new promise to myself now. Although I feel bad for the organisation, I will never ever accommodate B in my new job function. If any favours are expected from me in the future, forget it. I have seen how she treat staff officers at HQ who are just doing their job and I know how little regard she has for them and their superiors. It is clear that she only treat certain people in certain high positions with respect for the obvious reasons. If anybody thinks that I am totally unresponsive now, well..........they are right. I will continue to be unresponsive and bureacratic towards certain people. I am not stupid anymore. I have also been going back home on the dot nowadays. Can't be bothered. If the ship sinks after I leave, so be it. Why should I be worried for people when they themselves are too stupid to learn what they should have learnt already despite many years of being in a 'high' position.....I am not even sure if they are leaders, given how bad their management skills are..............So much money spent on leadership and management courses, so little gained judging from the failure to grasp basic leadership principles. Can I sue for my tax dollars back??

Real Life
I've been thinking of everything non-stop everyday and night. Been wondering why things happen the way it happened, the alternative decisions we all could have made in our lives that would have altered current reality greatly........the works. In any case, a solution will and can never be found for the current reality, so why bother thinking about it? Perhaps I should just enjoy these few days......then bite the bullet and endure the long term pain that will come immediately after that........ That would be irresponsible........but what are the alternatives? I do not know............

I am glad yet sad............happy yet unhappy............because..................... We face the same dilemma precisely because we share the same ........................... If I had not ........................... everything would have been............................ I am responsible for everything................I am sorry.

I trust in .....................because there is no solution. Therefore I always appear as calm when I am in turmoil inside........... I shed tears just thinking about it, the same way I see tears welling up in your eyes but yet you are strong to fight it back.........I am not. Anyway, I deserve no sympathy. My actions will speak louder..............you know what I mean...............

In God We Trust. A solution will be found one day............and I will keep to my promise to you........ you have my word on it.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Misty-Eyed Lion

Haven't been updating this blog for a while. I guess alot of things had happened to me between the last posting and this, so much so that I couldn't find the time nor bring myself to write anything here.

I do not know what nor where my life is headed at this point. The only thing certain is my career at the moment. Not too sure that I can say I am looking forward to the new posting. New friends, colleagues, work........have to build these up all over again.

Took a short detour this morning to my new workplace to speak to my new colleague, the one who will be handing all his work to me! He tried to explain to me what I will be doing when I get there......might as well he didn't..........I understand that a new job will entail changes and as such, I have to be adaptable. But looking at it, I can't help but be a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. I mean, I am going into a job to look after an IT system in the Finance Division when I do not have any background nor experience in IT or finance....and worse....I will also be forced to confront my greatest weakness on the spot....making presentations and conducting training sessions to hundreds of people on a regular basis! How stupid can I possibly be to accept the job....

Anyway, what's done is done. At least I know that my new bosses loves me......they took all of 10 mins to confirm me on the spot after the interview! Just hope the honeymoon period will be long. I figured I will need 1 full year to learn the ropes and another 2 years to stabilise myself in the job, after which I estimate it will be time for me to move again......I can get used to this mercenary lifestyle!

I am sad to move on from this place, as anyone who had moved on from here will tell you. Despite all and everything that happens here, the people are about the best you can find anywhere else. Easy to work with, genuine friends and colleagues, warm, caring......I have experienced it all here. People work noisily here, compared to a typical office environment where glum faces abound........saw that in my new workplace this morning....gasp!!! Sad to go but I will be optimistic! I will try to spread my working style to the people there! I will do it and succeed or die trying! Banzai!

I wish I can be as optimistic and sanguine on another front though. Full of ........ If only I can..........I would....... you know that. But things are always not so perfect in life. The decisions I have made......... if only...... nobody can understand how I have to struggle everyday nowadays, under a facade. Either decision I took would have resulted in unhappiness anyway........

I can't say that what I have at the moment is ideal for me. But I will have to learn to be less selfish because it is not just about me.

The day will come, I strongly believe so, when everything will be made right. I have a long life. My lifeline on my palm tells me so. With so much time, I know a solution, an ideal solution will emerge. Let time heal. Let time forget. Let time take over, for now. But above all, trust that fate will help bring everything back again......when the time is right once more.............

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Moody Lion

Life is such

We make our choices
We stand by our choices
We regret our choices
We review our choices
We renew our choices
And then......................
We regret our new choices

The happiness is there
When I am with you
A simple and uncomplicated life
You offer me
A glimpse into simplicity
A refuge away from reality
But circumstances is such
That it can never be
A permanent refuge is what I yearn
And yet a permanent refuge
Is what I can never get from you

So for now
Contentment from afar
Is all there is gonna be
A bottle full of emotions
I will remain
Non will be allowed to flow
For tragedy is all that awaits
This unhappiness will thus.....not fade

Life is such

The tragedy of my life so far.